Everyone wants to be happy. Making turns and turning we spin on an endless path. Running alongside everyone else or so we think.
It was a carpeted glass room overlooking the side of a green hill which held the ocean waves from overtaking the land. The sea, the sky and hillside were everywhere. As I looked out the window I saw myself stirring in the universe. In the middle of this silent space there was a buzz, a little rustle, hardly noticeable. It was faint yet slightly cruel. I heard it but let it go as the woman began to speak.
“Start where with your self,” she said. “Everyone wants to happy, so start with your self.”
“How do I do that?” I thought. I reached into my mind and pulled open something indescribable, almost invisible yet there. There was very little connection to her request. But before I could do much investigation with it she continued.
“This is a gentle practice,” she said in a whisper. Say to your self, “may you be happy, may you be well.”
I can say that, I thought agreeably. I repeated the phrases a few times to myself, “may I be happy, may I be well….may I be happy, may I be well.”
And once again we dropped into the silence of the room. I listened to my breath; the air touched something and made just a slight hiss.
She spoke again. “Now as we sit here bring to mind someone who has been very good to you, someone who cared for unconditionally.”
The buzz, a small weak noise rose once again. It was very delicate, but very present.
“Imagine this person who cares for you to be right in front of you.”
I once again felt as though I was turning backwards, to look for someone who cared for me. She added, “…a teacher, a parent, someone who looked after your well-being.” It felt like a somersault, rolling over into the memory or experience of someone caring for me. There was expressed disapproval of the teachers I had known, and parents, well, there’s a childhood forgotten. But there was one. She stood out, uncompromisingly so. I wondered for a moment what might happen to her, what condition might arise to taint her as well. Everything changes.
I found myself looking out the window watching the waves roll in circles. I couldn’t tell which way the waves were moving. Were they moving closer to the shoreline or away or just round and round? Everything moves. Yet the green hillside looked solid and still. I could only see the grass moving in the wind. The ground seemed motionless.
“Now when you see this person, this caring person in front of you repeat in your mind, “may you be happy, may you be well.” This encouragement was followed by the buzz once again. This time, however, the buzzing hum was a little clearer and seemed closer calling my eye to find the source.
“If you wander off, just bring your mind back to this someone who cared for you. “
There was a mob of buzzes and I now wanted to see what was happening. I lowered my gazed just slightly to the left of center looking for something that sounded trapped. I looked at where the window casing met the cement floor. Near the bottom I saw a horsefly flopping back and forth from one wing to the other. It seemed to have hit the window and knocked itself into a stupor. It wasn’t able to right itself. I continued to look at it and thought I’d turn it over to help steady it. As I looked I heard the woman say, “now think of someone neutral, someone you don’t know but someone you see on a regular basis.” I thought about my new neighbor. He’s been in the house next door for months and I often see him either go in or go out his front door but I have never spoken to him. She added, “…bring that person to mind and say to them, may you be happy, may you be well.”
The fly continued to flap back and forth and the buzz seemed louder and more desperate. I looked again thinking I’d help the fly right be upright when I noticed the fly was tangled with a black needle-legged spider about half the size of the fly. The buzz was a scream! Which one was screaming? Was it the fly being stung by the spider? Was the spider trying to eat the fly? The sound of her voice interrupted the questioning. “Let go of any thoughts and come back to your breath. Then bring to mind someone who gives you trouble; bring them to mind as if they are right in front of you. May you be happy.”
The fly was frantic. I couldn’t tell what was happening even though I was looking at them both. Suddenly the sound stopped. The buzz that now seemed more like a roar just stopped. The room fell silent as the fly fell over on one wing. It just laid there. NO movement, no sound. The spider completely visible lifted the black head and body up onto the narrow straight pinned legs and without a sound disappeared under the window casing.
May you be well echoed in my mind. The fly completely visible began to spin round and round in small arcs along the floor. Tilting on one wing and then the other it would lift up off the cement floor only to fall over again. Had the spider poisoned it?
The meditation continued until she finally asked us to consider the whole world. To imagine saying to all beings “may you be happy, may you be well.” Once the practice finished she asked us some questions, where we were from? How long were we staying? All the while I watched the fly struggle to steady itself. When it did I put my finger down and it welcomed me. Slowly, as though it had been waiting for this, it crawled without notice onto the tip of my index finger. It grabbed the skinned and I felt it hold on. “You can open the window,” she said apparently watching me and the fly. At first her voice startled me but then I just stood up and opened the top of the window and reached out my finger. I had to shake the fly loose and wondered whether or not this was a kind act or not. How could I know? May you be happy, may you be well.
